even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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