I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
