You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
