Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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