i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
