I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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