the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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