And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
