I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize