reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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