oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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