cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
