I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize