My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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