i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
