I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
