if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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