you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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