I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
