I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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