so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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