LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
How does one acquire holy water?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
