someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
