I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
