My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
