I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
These tits shall not be calmed
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
