Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
