Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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