i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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