you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
