I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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