In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
