naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize