I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
