I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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