I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
