Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize