I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
