Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
