69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
