He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
