I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
