I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
