She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
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