Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
