it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize