Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
