I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
smell my finger.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
