At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
