she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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