when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
How external is "for external use only"?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
