everyone is single if you try hard enough
honey bunches of taint.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
