I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Do vagina's smell?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You were trust falling into bushes
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
