Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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