Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
