Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
