Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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