the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
