32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
True strength comes from lack of pants
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
