Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
